Didn't I
by Michelle285
Summary: Kate and Castle think about how they're feeling.


_ Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or this song._

_ A/N: Listening to my iTunes, this song came on, and I couldn't help think this was probably how Castle is feeling. I know I technically wrote a post-ep to 47 seconds…if that's the one where Castle found out Kate remembers…but I just had to write this too. This one is much more angsty. Secrets galore. Enjoy! _

_If regrets were like raindrops__  
__There'd be a river running through this house__  
__If our love was like a circus__  
__I'd be the sad-faced clown__  
__Walking with my head down__  
__Wondering where you are now_

Kate sighed. She wasn't the type to cry over a guy. She could maybe think of three times in her life when she truly cried and only one of them was over a guy; the guy being her father. Now though, she found herself constantly trying to remind herself she wasn't a crier. Castle started to pull away from her, it wasn't a big deal; she knew he would be back. Castle started shadowing Slaughter, it wasn't a big deal; he just needed a new challenge. Castle quit working at the precinct…and this was forever.

Castle knew he was acting like an idiot. It wasn't Kate's fault that she didn't love him. He knew he should go back to the precinct, laugh and joke with the boys and be his regular self again. He should throw out crazy theories and make Kate roll her eyes, but know she was laughing on the inside. Castle couldn't do it though. How could he make Kate laugh when he didn't think he'd ever truly laugh again? __

_Didn't I wrap my arms around you__  
__Stare in your eyes and swear I loved you__  
__Didn't I, baby didn't I__  
__Give you everything you ever wanted__  
__Love you like crazy let's be honest__  
__Didn't I, baby didn't I__  
__Didn't I_

Castle had poured out his heart, Kate heard him, but lied. He didn't understand what that could mean. He held her while she was bleeding out, even when Lanie screeched at him to give Kate room. Esposito and Ryan physically had to pull him away from Kate. Castle was sure if he let her go she was going to disappear.

Yes, Castle did think Kate was going to die that day. Regardless of his thoughts, the truth of his statement didn't change. Once, before she lost consciousness he stared into her eyes and told her how much he did love her. He said it many times after, in the ambulance, while she was in a coma, but the first time was the only time he had hope of her hearing him. She did and Castle knew she did. Every time he asked though, she had lied. What kind of meaning was he supposed to take from that? __

_I thought we were like a stone wall__  
__Solid all the way around__  
__I never knew you'd be the wrecking ball__  
__To bring us tumbling down__  
__Till I woke up that Friday morning__  
__To find you gone, you were gone_

Castle knew they had built a friendship. He had even fooled himself into thinking it was a strong one. After all, Kate had been mad at him multiple times before, but he always came back and she always let him come back. She was angry for the first case, but then he was throwing out his ideas, making her roll her eyes and even making the boys crack a smile, until they were full out laughing with him again.

Castle really thought they were getting somewhere with the relationship. He knew Kate needed time and he was willing to give her that. He never thought she would just string him along and lead him on until she was bored with him. He wasn't positive that was what she was doing, maybe she didn't even realize it herself, but it sure felt like that to him. After all, if she didn't love him and just laughed at him when he stated his theories, what did she need him for?

Kate knew they were friends and thought he loved her. He did tell her he loved her, didn't he? Maybe he just said it because she was dying and he didn't mean it anymore. Regardless, she always thought she would be the one to break their relationship. She never fathomed he would be the one to pull away and to quit working at the precinct. One Friday morning though, he walked in and handed her the letter of resignation. What was she supposed to do with that? He wasn't really a cop; he didn't even really work there. She gave it to Gates, went to her desk and worked on paperwork all day. She refused to talk to Gates and even her boys when they asked about it. __

_Didn't I wrap my arms around you__  
__Stare in your eyes and swear I loved you__  
__Didn't I, baby didn't I__  
__Give you everything you ever wanted__  
__Love you like crazy, let's be honest__  
__Didn't I, baby didn't I__  
__Didn't I_

Kate just didn't understand. Did he really get tired of waiting? If that was the problem, wasn't it safe to assume he never loved her in the first place. She may not have too much experience with love, but from what she could tell it wasn't just a switch you could turn on and then off. If he really did love her there was no way he would be running around with blondes and leaving her to organize trial information by herself. He may not help, but he would be there, giving her breaks, bringing her coffee and making sure she ate. Yeah, she must've read his eyes wrong and must've heard his "I love you" wrong. There was no way he could love her. Not with the way he was acting now. __

_Didn't I wrap my arms around you__  
__Stare in your eyes and swear I loved you__  
__Oh baby didn't I__  
__Give you everything you ever wanted__  
__Love you like crazy, let's be honest__  
__Didn't I, baby didn't I__  
__Didn't I, baby didn't I__  
__Oh baby didn't I_

Kate kept telling herself that and kept reminding herself it didn't matter anyway because he was really gone. It really didn't matter how he may have felt, because he obviously didn't feel that way now.

"Beckett," Esposito called. He threw a letter on her desk. "This came in the mail for you."

"It looks like…" Beckett trailed off. It looked a hell of a lot like Castle's handwriting and she wasn't sure she wanted to open it.

"I know," Esposito reassured her. "Should I pitch it?"

"No!" Beckett said, maybe a bit too loudly. "I'll take care of it."

Beckett walked out of the precinct, went to a diner (not Remy's, never Remy's again) and opened the letter.

_Dear Kate,_

_ I realize leaving the precinct was cowardly and jerkish, but it was the only thing I could think to do. You know I love you. Didn't I tell you effectively enough? You know I would give you anything you wanted if only you asked. Didn't I show you with all the things I've done for you? You know all I want to do is keep you safe but not smother you. I want to help you in anything you do. Didn't I show you that with your mom's case? I love you more than I ever thought I could love another person...minus Alexis. I love you so much it makes me crazy. Didn't I show you that every day? Kate, didn't I? _

Kate squeezed her eyes shut. There it was. She was waiting for him to pour out his heart again. This letter though, it was more than she expected. She wanted to go to him, wanted to tell him that she did love him, he did tell her effectively enough and she was just scared. Of course, she wouldn't do that; she couldn't do that. She would go back to the precinct and act like everything was fine.

She did just that. Esposito and Ryan knew she read the letter, but they'd never ask what was in the letter. She didn't seem destroyed, so they figured they didn't need to kill Castle.

Kate wasn't fine though. She kept going back and forth between what to do. God, she wanted to tell him what she was thinking and what she was feeling, but she was too scared to do it. Maybe though, one day soon, she could gather up enough courage to tell him. After all, words from his letter were still ringing in her head. _Kate, didn't I?_

_Well, at least I left it with a twinge of happy, right? And yeah, I didn't focus on Castle as much as I had planned on, but I hope you liked it regardless. If you read, please review! Thanks! _


End file.
